I am a 16 year old from Utah. As most are well aware, Utah is the center for Mormonism. My family however, nor I are Mormon. In fact both I and my family seriously disagree with Mormon beliefs. Moreover my mother and stepfather are devout protestant Christians. I was baptized, and raised as a Christian also. I don’t think I ever truly connected with the ideology of Christianity, but it wasn’t until 3 years ago that I truly began to question “my”, beliefs. Since I have spent great deals of time studying physics, mathematics, evolution, and as many have, I saw the simple terror that lie before me. There was a desert where I looked for God. No evidence, no true logic or reason behind this God. And everywhere where God was supposed to do good in this world, I saw only suffering. No men are created equal. You see all these advertisements, films, even news, with some church being built in a third world country, then being destroyed but terrorists, militants. And I ask, “where is these peoples God, does he simple stand by while they are murdered, does he stand by while so many suffer, yet they still pray to him.” I don’t think any God would do that. I think he would actually do something about it. My only conclusion to this is that there is in fact, no God. But I also found another horror awaiting me. What if I’m wrong? What is there really is a God, and everything I was taught was true? Then I will be in Hell. No matter that I’ve never committed any atrocities, never killed, raped, disowned someone because of their beliefs. And honestly I don’t mind people having religion, or worshipping their God. I just want to be left alone in my own beliefs. What I seek is this, some consolation, that I’m not going to go to Hell, because this “God” has never revealed himself to me, or anyone for that matter. That it is somehow not a bad thing that I think for myself. the fibers of my mind unravel at their seams, as I am ripped apart, and imprisoned by this confusion. I am fearful, I will not lie about that. I fear Hell, not death. Simple oblivion would do just fine for me. But how can I know that? I do not.
Posted: March 30th 2013